It’s all about daddy!

In my father's eyes!

In the comfort of my house I watch as you play with your dad, i watch the love so true btw child and father, I see the geniuety of affection. I watch how for once you display true love to one who does not know  any better but receives your love and gives you more, the eyes say it all between you both, and then tears come to my eyes, even more when I hear daddy, come, I want you with me, lets play. Its all about daddy lets eat, come and bath with me, dad I love you. Then the dreams of   working out of our marriage becomes unrealistic, how can I live each day knowing you wont be there for your child, how can I live each day explaining you aint here for now?, how can this be right?, how can I deprive a child so innocent so happy so loving, the experience of a father that I never had, how can I?

Then I weep because I know I will stay, I weep for my decision to stay and work it out despite the pain I feel, I put my life on hold for you my child, I live like a stranger in my own home all for you, then I wonder how long I can put up with this. The bond between you two makes me too guilty to want to walk away, but I ask how long can I endure this when you are old enough to understand? And I too weak to walk away?

I would never blame you for making me stay in future and maybe I might who knows but for now I won’t worry about tomorrow would embrace the love I see today!

Ps: will forward play this weekend.

When a cute penguin goes bad!

Don't let those happy feet fool you!

start of my music
Play
Give me a revelation  and tell me what to do because I haven’t got a clue. Am currently on a journey to find my self and to find my place with and in God, yet as human as I can possibly be I find myself doing all that which God forbids, or thinking all he detest.



I am trying to overcome temptation yet am not fleeing just running which is contrary to the word of God which says flee from all forms and appearances of evil, why continue to test the devil or take the bait when you can flee?, why continue to indulge in those conversations when you can end them? Why continue to make yourself available through those entire communication medium when you can actually stop for a minute and not use them even if it means you switch them off? The bible says if your hands cause you to sin cut them off, so if it’s your phone, face book, yahoo/messenger, twitter, my space or BB messenger, text messages causing you to sin my friend do away with them.



Yeah easier said than done, I know but then I remember greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Phil 4: 13. All things the bible says so literally, that means I can get rid of my unholy thoughts, I can get rid of immoral thoughts, I can get rid of adulterous thoughts, I can get rid of lying, revenge, resentment, anger and all that is contrary to the fruit of the spirit. I know I can overcome and I have overcome through Christ who gave his life for me so that I can have victory over sin and evil.



I know so much of His word (God’s word), I mediate on so much but the thoughts in me become irrational when I think of these things. Then I sat and pondered on how I got myself into this mess then I remembered how it all started………………… It was an unfinished business!



Play back



Long time ago while I was still single and waiting for the bone of my bone, I engaged in immoral acts and was overly in love with one guy who had issues with his EX, he was in a relationship that he felt was no good for him ( I did not contribute to the break up), then I came along and lo and behold whizzed him away with my charm but the relationship didn’t live for too long cause circumstances beyond our control killed it all, it ended even before it began, just when the relationship was ending, it occurred to me that I was deeply in love with this fellow, not that he was a superb guy or that he had anything fantastic  to offer me as at that time, cause we clearly had our own issues but there was something about what we had that could not be explained, it was not the sex, maybe for him it was but for me it was just the connection, I truly loved him and even now as I write I think that I might still have feelings for him , not sure if they are lustful feelings or just an unfinished business, time will tell.



We never really sat to talk about why it ended or what I did so wrong that he found me unworthy to be with him, we had unfinished business or so I think!
I did not allow myself to mourn or grieve or even get over him before I jumped into another relationship with someone I was crazily in love with at one point in time but was not forth coming and then when eventually he did come forth I had sort of moved on but still had feelings for him ( now you might ask how many feelings do you have that you seem to have for all these guys, I think the answer is that I am a very emotional person but truly cared about two guys) the one I am married to now and the one who broke my heart and pushed me into the hands of the one I married whom I also love very much, are you confused please do not be just flow with me ).






Forward play



Married life was ok, not the best of the world had it ups and downs and its hurts, hates disappointment, unfaithfulness, dishonesty. disloyalty, tears, laughter, damaged self esteem, lack of confidence, disgust, rejection, disrespect, betrayal, denial Joy, sadness, short lived happiness, threats, hurtful words, doubts, friendship, hope, faith, love, patience, endurance, tolerance, grieve, anxiety, anticipation, separation, yet despite it all, it had a large element of forgiveness above all else which has kept my hubby and I till this day despite all we have been through. The downside of that is that sometimes you truly think you can manage with all these and still hold your head high be strong and keep on loving, but that’s not always the case. At a point you stop loving, starting living and start hoping that the other person will just leave and when they don’t then you start hoping things will change and when it doesn’t then you begin to seek happiness else where be it in the comforting hands of our Lord Jesus Christ, or in the hands of family, friends, acquaintances’ or just in the hands of the man that once broke your heart and tore you apart. Then you find someone to blame!



Replay



Coincidentally he has moved on and married the same girl he told you he was not compatible with, married to the same lady he could never be with, married to the same girl he said he did not love, then you wonder what really changed, how did they become compatible?, why wasn’t it you, even though you are now married then you blame him for pushing you into the hands of the man you once loved who hurts you yet loves you, who betrayed your trust, cheated on you and disrespected you all the way. You justify why he is to be blamed for you marrying the one you love, cause you would have preferred to be with him instead, but so you think cause it probably would not have worked out you never know and would never know!



After playing the blame game and denial graving you soon realise this is reality the guy has moved on, even though you both still fool each other still expressing suppressed emotions, yet he professes to love his wife with undying and unfailing love you both flirt and indulge in immorality called by the name Adultery of the heart has Jesus called it cause then I recall Jesus said, If you think it in your heart, thoughts and mind then you have already committed the sin.



You share your fears and frustrations of your marriage with him, he never opens up to tell you his, he continually says all the good stuffs his wife does, you condemn your husband and he helps you to judge him, yet he tells you he could never leave or hurt his wife for the world, she comes first, then at one point you even consider what it would be like to leave your hubby for this man who is not willing to call you or pick up your calls when his wife is even 20miles away! He sings songs of "she must not even know we communicate", he seems to have his head in place  and yet you dont! He signals to you he does not want you, at least not for anything other than adventure and sexual fulfilment. He tells you in other words you are not even worthy to have as a mistress yet you shamelessly think about him and leach after a man who clearly sees you as  a destroyer!



A trend occurs your idol communicates with you only when it suits him, he gives you rules as to when and how to communicate with him, and bang when he seems to be in the right with his Mrs he puts you where you belong, out of his life, but when he aint getting his groove then he remembers  you and is all sweet but for a little while until his Mrs has his time again, however you being the thingy you are, have your arms opened always to receive him!  The holy spirit asks you where has your dignity, pride intergrity and fear of the most high gone to? but you ignore!



your idol speaks a language you don’t understand because you have deluded yourself into thinking this man is all aright, he can’t be wrong. You continually and constantly dwell in sin of being held in the hands of another man while you watch your husband dwell in his own sin; you have lost hope and think your hope can be found in the hands of a man who could not even say goodbye properly. You are tempted to have an affair but even the guy isn’t willing or so it seems or so he makes it seems through your conversations. Yet you replay in your heart words of love he has professed to you, in recent times, how he still loves you, how you both connect, you look forward to his text messages, his once in a century phone call, or even yahoo buzz, he professes his lustful desires for you then you think it might be right yet you know it is all so wrong. your mental state becomes questionable cause you cant think straight, even when you pray sincerely to God to help you overcome this demon, you find yourself rooted in it. Guilt envelops you when you read;

Proverbs 6 Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. Proverbs 6:25



Keeping you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife. Proverbs 6:24




For the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Proverbs 6:26



Then you realise you dont want to be the other woman even though you are someone else's woman!  Then satan pangs "Adulterer"  into your ears and condemns you even before you know the name you are called but you ignore.




And then for a little moment you reason and think this cant be right what am I doing?  I am worth more than this,  how can I evangelise and talk about Gods love to people or even ask them to change their ways? , how can i truly look my husband in the eyes and condemn him for being unfaithful and untrue to me? how can  i tell him to forsake his ways and draw near to God? when my heart is so canal?, but then you shove it off as a lie from the pit of hell, and say I can overcome it, you think about the consequences and the impact and damage it will have on both families and your children, you think about it, then you set rules and try by your own might and power to stop this one time madness but only for a little while until………………………



Will forward Play soon!